Category Archives: Change your thinking

Thinking about the 4 levels of thinking

April 7, 2017 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Level 1. What do I need? That is, how can I get the things I want? What’s in it for me? How does it affect me? Will I get caught or punished if I do not follow the rules?

Level 2. What do others think? That is, will they still like and approve of me? Will they still think that I am a good person? How do I fit in and avoid criticism? How will they feel if I tell them what I really think?

Level 3. What do I think? That is, am I maintaining and staying true to my own personal integrity, standards, and internal values? Am I achieving my goals and being guided by my ideals and values? How can I get them to subscribe to my belief system? Am I living, working and loving to the best of my ability and potential?

Level 4. What do we both need? That is, how can other people’s thinking and actions help me to develop and grow? How can I seek out information and opinions from others to help me modify my own ways of understanding? How can conflict and adversity be an opportunity to inform and shape my thinking? Where is the interconnectedness between us, and how can we best support each other as growing, learning human beings?

It turns out that our greatest adversities and most complex problems in life are best overcome when we look at them with the next level of thinking.

2 ways to overcome a problem

November 28, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

One is to learn. The other is to grow.

We learn when we look at our problem with our existing perspective, but develop our knowledge and skills to overcome it.

“I want to lose weight for my wedding day, so I’m reading the newest detox diet book to find out how.”

We grow, on the other hand, when we reach an entirely new perspective in order for a better solution to be found.

“How much I weigh at my wedding will not actually influence my experience, as I see that, 1) I am so much more than my body, and 2) the possible judgements of others do not define who I am.”

Sometimes, of course, learning is exactly what is required.

But much of the time, the universe is full of wondrous things that are patiently waiting for our minds to grow, in order for us to see them.

The comfort zone paradox

October 18, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Is that the people who make it a habit to step outside their comfort zone – who say yes to experiencing fear and discomfort – are the people who live more comfortably.

They are more happy, less stressed, have better health and a higher quality of life.

Why?

First, staying within your comfort zone means you hide, of course, from the very situations, people, experiences and places that make life joyful, rich and meaningful.

Some examples:

The person who isn’t their true self because it feels scary, risky and uncertain, also misses out on excitement, purpose and growth.

The person who doesn’t show vulnerability because it exposes them to fear, rejection and hurt, also misses out on belonging, creativity and courage.

The person who doesn’t allow their self to fall in love because it’s scary and exposes them to conflict, pain and heartbreak, also misses out on joy, meaning and connection.

Second, and this is most important: your comfort zone isn’t actually comfortable.

That’s right. It’s a myth.

Sadness, stress, setbacks and conflicts are a package deal that come with the gift of living. The truth is all of us experience discomfort, irrespective of how much we live in our comfort zone.

And if the comfort zone isn’t comfy, where are you going to live?

How to deal with difficult emotions

August 18, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Here’s an exercise I recommend, that takes just 5 to 10 minutes to complete:

Step 1. Sit or lie down, with your eyes open or closed, and focus on breathing deeply as you call to mind a difficult emotion you experienced recently.

It may be anger, greed, jealousy, fear, grief, or anything similar.

Step 2. Notice and reflect, for a couple of minutes, how you feel about this emotion.

Are you uncomfortable? Do you dislike it? Do you wish you could have prevented it from arising? Do you feel ashamed, or consider yourself wrong, for having this difficult feeling?

Step 3. Spend at least a minute observing what happens when you translate this emotion to a state of pain and suffering.

How does this state make you feel? How does your body react to it? Does it feel overwhelming? Is it something you want to avoid?

Step 4. Now, for at least 2 minutes, if not more, take that pain and suffering and observe it being held and surrounded by a sea of kindness and compassion. 

If any uncomfortable thoughts or feelings about having this emotion come up, notice them for a moment, and then return your attention back to the ever-flowing sea of kindness and compassion.

What does this feel like in your body? How does your body feel differently about this difficult emotion now?

This short exercise forms part of a scientifically proven program that can be used in combination with journaling and sharing how you are feeling with another, whenever difficult emotions arise.

Well worth understanding, too, a couple of the reasons why this exercise works:

  1. Unlike other strategies you may use (such as trying not to think about it, or avoiding the situation where the feeling comes up), it does not try to control the arrival of these difficult feelings.

We must remember that difficult feelings arise naturally, in all of us, as certain events unfold in our life. Judging them, or ourselves, is unhelpful. Avoiding them is impossible.

Indeed, I believe most difficult emotions are actually pre-requisites for experiencing more joy, growth and expansion in our lives.

  1. It teaches you that you don’t need to be overcome by, defined by, fall into, act from, or avoid any difficult emotion.

Because whilst you cannot prevent them from arising, you can commit to recognising them, having kindness and compassion for them, and letting their hold over you go.

No, you can’t always choose how you feel.

But yes, you can always question how you choose to feel about how you feel.

6 practices for anyone who has ever struggled to accept who they are

August 4, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

1. The practice of self-compassion.

I believe that you are loving and beautiful. Yet when you believe the words that you (or others) say, it can be easy to see differently.

To practice self-compassion, you must understand that a perception of you does not make it true.

A perception is only a reflection of one’s unique beliefs and experiences, and so no 2 people will ever perceive the “same” thing about you in the exact same way.

Some examples:

  • Someone says you are impulsive; another says you are spontaneous.
  • Someone says you are always too quiet; another says you are an excellent listener.
  • You say you are unattractive; another says that you are beautiful.

Self-compassion is seeing who you are in this moment with a loving perspective.

Even if it differs from what somebody else – including yourself – may have told you is true.

2. The practice of authenticity.

Your feelings and beliefs are an important part of who you are, and hiding them a recipe for grief, anxiety and self-loathing over time.

To practice authenticity, you need to accept the fear and risk that comes with exposing yourself to what others may think.

To help you to do this, consider:

  • Being inauthentic directly harms your body and mind.
  • Praise, when you are not being you, can not make you feel better about yourself.
  • You appear more charismatic, courageous and authentic to others when you share your true self.
  • You admire authenticity in others, so why wouldn’t others admire the authenticity in you?

Authenticity is having the courage to live in alignment to your true self.

Even if it means being judged by another.

3. The practice of failing forward.

We all make mistakes. And mistakes often lead to despair, feelings of failure and giving up.

Yet mistakes are not only OK, they are essential for your personal growth and development.

This practice requires you to stop saying, “I am a failure because of my mistakes”, and to start saying, “I am grateful for my mistakes, because I have learnt and grown from them”.

Failing forward is trusting your past has been exactly right for you.

Even if you think that you have failed.

4. The practice of worthiness.

We’re surrounded with images of “perfect” bodies, millionaire celebrities and people living in fancy houses or going on luxurious holidays. Constantly comparing can leave us feeling inadequate, especially if we perceive their position as unattainable.

When you next compare, it is important to remember:

  • Comparison is a game you (and every single other person!) can never win. Everyone can find someone who appears more successful, attractive or intelligent if they look.
  • The images you see never tell the whole story. For example, that person with the expensive new house may also work 12 hours a day, and sacrificed their health, relationships and happiness for it.
  • No comparison is ever valid, as that person is on a different journey with different experiences, opportunities and genetics to you.

Worthiness is affirming your self-worth can never be diminished by somebody else.

Even somebody who appears to have it much better than you do.

5. The practice of embracing all of you.

There are so many things that make you the unique person that you are.

But whenever you become fixated on just one, your self-acceptance becomes highly fragile.

Some examples:

  • A leading executive attached to this identity struggles with self-acceptance after their redundancy.
  • A model attached to this identity struggles with self-acceptance as they grow old.
  • A housewife (or househusband) attached to this identity struggles with self-acceptance when their partner leaves them.

We play many different roles in life (a son, a brother, a friend, a pet-owner, an amateur chef, a soccer player, a blog writer, …), and each of them contributes to our growth and fulfilment.

Embracing all of you is loving all of the qualities that lie within you.

Even when you feel pressured to focus on just one.

6. The practice of being the creator.

The final practice is knowing that you are responsible for the life that you are living right now.

It is understanding:

  • You are the sum of your choices, and
  • If you are unhappy with where you are today, you can go and change that by making a new choice.

Being the creator is feeling empowered that you can create your world to be an even better one.

Even though it’s easier to tell us why you can’t.

5 steps to creating a life you love (and a freebie)

May 30, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , 9 Comments
  1. Be true to what your heart desires.
  2. Drop your stories and believe you can create any and all possibilities.
  3. Be all of you and share your vulnerabilities with others.
  4. Do not let the judgements or opinions of others influence you.
  5. Remember that you are capable and trust that you are supported in all ways.

[Hattip to Jules O’Neil, whose teachings are the source of this post.]

Plus, you can download and print my body acceptance manifesto for free, here. Since body image is something many of us struggle with, and improving it predicts healthier behaviours, confidence and motivation, I hope you take the time to read, print or share.

Why your problem may not actually be the problem

April 4, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Consider the Chinese proverb that tells the story of the Taoist farmer.

This farmer had only one horse, and one day that horse ran away. The neighbours came to condole over his terrible loss. The farmer said, “What makes you think it is so terrible?”

A month later, the horse came home, this time bringing with it two beautiful wild horses. The neighbours became excited at the farmer’s good fortune. The farmer said, “What makes you think this is good fortune?”

The farmer’s son was thrown from one of the wild horses and broke his leg. All the neighbours were very distressed. The farmer said, “What makes you think it is bad?”

A war came, and every able-bodied man was conscripted and sent into battle. Only the farmer’s son remained. The neighbours congratulated the farmer. “What makes you think this is good?” said the farmer.

When you next find yourself feeling down about something external to you, worth remembering it may not actually be bad at all.

Indeed, what if it is exactly what’s required for you to create something exciting, wondrous and new?

How to use your personal conflict as an opportunity for growth

January 21, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

If you’ve recently experienced anger, torment or hurt, here’s an exercise I recommend:

Think of the recent conflict that brought you these emotions.

Now, think hard about one way either:

  1. You previously behaved in a way somewhat similar to how the other person did, or
  2. Your own behaviour in the situation was not perfect (maybe you also did something slightly insensitive or hurtful, even if you meant well, or can justify exactly why you did it).

When you look for and find a fault in your own behaviour, it often hurts. But if you are brave enough to acknowledge it, you are rewarded with a sense of pleasure, pride, acceptance and growth.

Shifting our perspective of conflict from being externally caused, to (at least partially) internally caused, is a useful practice. It can help us become:

  • less biased,
  • less judgmental,
  • less argumentative,
  • less inclined to complain,
  • less likely to react with further conflict, and
  • more forgiving.

Happiness doesn’t come from insisting we are always right.

But it does require us to open minded enough to see that, very often, our initial perspective has room to improve.

Just because…

November 26, 2015 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , 3 Comments

Just because someone failed to see the value in what you create, doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable.

Just because someone said you didn’t measure up to some standard of achievement, doesn’t mean that they are right, or that standard of achievement actually matters.

Just because someone said it can’t be done, doesn’t mean that you can never do it.

Just because someone got angry at or judged you, doesn’t mean that you are wrong.

Just because someone believes you are not good enough, doesn’t mean that you are not enough already.

Just because someone said you can’t make a difference here, doesn’t mean you do not possess unique gifts and talents that only you can contribute elsewhere.

Just because someone couldn’t see the beauty within you, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Just because someone doesn’t want you in their life, doesn’t mean that your presence is not the most amazing gift for another.

Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love you, doesn’t mean that you are not lovable.

The secret to having others see the world like you do

November 12, 2015 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

Is to develop the ability to truly see the world just as they do.

You see, when disagreement arises with others, we have a choice. We can choose to make it either:

  1. Us versus them, or
  2. Us with them.

And together, we get to decide which one.

When we decide it’s us versus them, we follow our current thinking, and challenge the others perspective.

We defend and debate, and ensure an outcome that can only ever be win or lose (or at the very best, a compromise, where we both win a bit and lose a bit).

But when we instead decide it’s us with them, we put our current thinking aside for now, and each try to understand the others perspective. Suddenly, we’ve opened the door for internal growth, and a different outcome to appear.

Together, we can now:

  • explore each of our different perspectives,
  • truly understand the key issues, assumptions and values that were pulling us apart, and
  • work towards the possibility of developing a shared perspective and solution. One that addresses the conflicting issues and needs that gave rise to disagreement in the first place.

When we start with listening, empathy and an appreciation for disagreement, we allow ourselves to move away from win or lose, and open the possibility for win-win.