Monthly Archives: October 2015

The problem with the pursuit of higher self-esteem

October 29, 2015 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , 5 Comments

Higher self-esteem can only come when we judge our self-worth.

So when we decide to pursue higher self-esteem, we actually decide to follow a worldview that says, “Our self-worth can be changed and influenced by something external to us. Things like achievements and successes can determine our worthiness”.

The problem with this worldview is that it’s easy to live a life where we:

  1. Feel we are not good enough (low self-esteem), or
  2. Carry fear, anxiety or worry, because a future rejection or failure may mean we are no longer good enough (high self-esteem).

The alternative to self-esteem is unconditional self-acceptance.

With unconditional self-acceptance, we understand self-worth does not come with any terms and conditions. Instead, we see that we are already enough, and accept ourselves for all of who we are.

Finding unconditional self-acceptance

We move away from the pursuit of higher self-esteem and towards unconditional self-acceptance when we truly believe:

  • My self-worth can never be rated using external criteria. Doing so is illogical: I am already enough.
  • There is no rational reason for me to feel bad about or change the core of who I am. Any “imperfections” I have actually help to make me more unique, special and truly beautiful.
  • My actions, achievements and failures can be rated and improved when they help me to live a more fulfilling life. They can not be used to define me or my worthiness.
  • Mistakes are normal. Indeed, they are essential for my journey, growth and development.
  • I am so much more than the thoughts, opinions and judgements of others. Opinions and judgements can not define me, as they are only a reflection of the person who is doing the judging.

Change your beliefs, change your world

Make no mistake. The journey towards unconditional self-acceptance is a difficult one.

For most of us, it requires a change to the core beliefs that we hold about ourselves. Beliefs that are very different to what much of society tells us is true. And indeed, I still struggle with it, almost every day.

But it is so important.

The benefits of self-acceptance

Unconditional self-acceptance is often the pathway for:

  • Letting go of comparison, and being mindful and grateful for what you have right now.
  • Overcoming the anxiety that comes from hiding who you truly are, and finding the courage to be your authentic self.
  • Rising above the fear of failure, and finding confidence and belief within yourself to pursue what you really want in this life.
  • Seeing that rejection does not ever mean you are unworthy, inadequate or unlovable, and helping you to find hope and resilience during difficult times.
  • Being vulnerable and open with others, and inviting the opportunity for you to cultivate a deeper sense of connection.
  • Letting go of judgement, and allowing the creativity, skills and talents that lie within you to be seen and blossom.

Self-acceptance: the gift that keeps on giving

The last (but for me, most important) outcome of unconditional self-acceptance is that it helps us to become more accepting of others, too:

  • When we see ourselves as enough, we get better at seeing others as enough.
  • When we do not judge ourselves, we get better at not judging others.
  • When we no longer feel bad or insecure about who we are, we lose the need to make others feel bad or insecure about who they are.

When we become accepting of those around us, we give them the most amazing gift: we help them to see that they are enough, and should be so proud and accepting for all of who they are, too. And with greater self-acceptance, they can also help to spread this gift.

The very first step to making the world a more accepting place is to be the change that you want to see in the world: become more accepting of you.

After all, you are enough. Exactly the way that you are.

5 common myths about breakfast

October 26, 2015 By in Nutrition that works Tags: , , , , , , 2 Comments

Myth 1. Eating breakfast boosts our metabolism.

The best scientific evidence we have shows our resting metabolic rate is not increased by eating breakfast. Indeed, research shows that even not eating anything prior to midday for 6 weeks straight does not impair our resting metabolism.

Myth 2. Eating breakfast means we eat less calories in total throughout the day.

This is not only unproven, we actually know the exact opposite is true: we eat more. This makes good sense, because when we skip breakfast, we are skipping the intake of a significant amount of calories.

Myth 3. Purposely skipping breakfast is a good strategy for weight loss.

The largest and longest study to compare the effectiveness of skipping vs. eating breakfast on weight found that skipping breakfast:

  • does not result in any significant weight loss, and
  • does not have any significant effect on our weight compared to eating breakfast.

Just because eating breakfast does not increase our metabolism, and can mean we eat more calories in total, does not mean that we should purposely skip it.

Myth 4. When we eat is more important than what we eat.

What and how much we eat is, in my view, what matters most:

  • Whilst breakfast eaters have higher nutrient intakes than breakfast skippers, high nutrient intake is (of course) dependant on eating more nutrient-rich foods.
  • Whilst breakfast eaters have better long-term health than breakfast skippers, good health is (of course) dependant on eating healthier foods.

Myth 5. There is a ‘correct’ time to eat for everybody.

Research shows that one of the most consistent predictors of body weight (outside of genetics!) is the driver of what makes us eat:

  • When we eat in reaction to our external environment and emotions, we are more likely to overeat.
  • When we eat in response to our internal hunger signals, we are less likely to overeat.

Being more conscious about eating according to hunger is one of the most effective strategies we have to prevent overeating.

For me, the biggest problem with advice about eating or skipping breakfast is that it gives the impression we must be eating at a certain time.

In general, we actually don’t.

For most of us, eating is best done by listening to the hunger signals of our body, and not by worrying about what the time is on our clock.

What makes a dog a man’s best friend?

October 22, 2015 By in Boost your happiness Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

Of course, it isn’t their ability to tell us the answer to our problems, or that they can explain why our thoughts and feelings are wrong, and how they can be improved.

Rather, I think it is simply the emotional support and connection that they provide to us by always being there, willing to listen. With a face that says, “I’m here for you. I feel with you. And I care for you. Unconditionally.”

And as you may have guessed, whenever our friends and loved ones are feeling sad or down, this is the one thing that they actually want and need from us, too.

No answers or solutions. Just connection.

A simple tip for achieving your health goals

October 19, 2015 By in Change your behaviour Tags: , , , 1 Comment

When we say we’re going to make a health change, we typically only concentrate on the ‘what’. Exercise more, meditate more or eat more fruit and vegetables, are some of the many examples.

Of course, achieving the ‘what’ will soon become a constant struggle, a battle between our conscious and unconscious mind.

A better solution is to not only call out the what, but the where, the when and the how:

“I will exercise, at the gym, on Monday after work, on my drive home.”

“I will meditate, in my bedroom, at 6:40am on Tuesday and Thursday, by setting my alarm.”

“I will eat an apple, in the park, during my Friday afternoon walk, by placing a reminder in my calendar.”

We clearly state the where, when and how for our work, time with friends, extra-curriculum activities, and favourite TV shows.

Interesting that we so often forget to apply the same simple concept for our health goals, too.

It’s healthy outside

October 15, 2015 By in Holistic health Tags: , , , Leave a comment

Research shows that our environment has a significant impact on our health, mental functioning and well-being.

When we spend time outside and connect with nature:

  • our attention is restored,
  • our thinking expands, and
  • we gain a sense of relaxation and peace within us.

Immersing ourselves into an environment with plenty of greenery, trees or water is often what’s required when we feel overly stressed, need to clear our head, or wish to deeply reflect on life’s priorities or goals. 

In order to function best, both physically and mentally, we need and thrive on connection. Not only to ourselves and to others, but also, to the natural world around us.

The real impact of grains on our health

October 12, 2015 By in Nutrition that works Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

If you happen to get your nutrition information from Google, you have likely heard about the idea that eating grain-based foods is detrimental for your health.

Yet a wealth of scientific research actually tells us time and time again that people who eat fibre-rich grains:

You see, fibrous grains, which include wholemeal breads, high-fibre cereals, wholemeal pasta, oats and barley, are minimally processed plant foods that do not only provide fibre, but also:

  • magnesium,
  • zinc,
  • B vitamins,
  • Vitamin E,
  • resistant starch, and
  • an abundance of different antioxidants, too.

What’s more, these health benefits associated with fibrous grains are actually significantly greater than what we see for fibrous fruits and vegetables. This has been shown consistently in the literature for a:

It appears most difficult to achieve optimal health with just the fibre from fruits and vegetables alone.

To best understand the impact of grains on our health, we need to be aware that:

  1. The type of grain matters. Please note that these impressive nutrition and health benefits are mostly or completely absent in refined grain foods, such as white bread, refined cereals, white rice, biscuits, cakes and pastries. When people tell us that carbohydrates or grains are ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for us, we must remember that it is far too simplistic to assume that all carbohydrates or grains have an equal effect on our health.
  2. The amount also matters. Just 40-50 grams of fibre-rich grains a day is commonly thought to be enough for these significant health benefits to develop over time. To put this into perspective, this is only slightly more than 1 slice of wholemeal bread, or 1 bowl of oats. The idea that our diets must have grains as it’s foundation is outdated and invalid. We simply don’t have to eat a lot.

But the concern for me is that most of us seem to be falling short of the small amount that is consistently associated with optimal health. What’s more, we are now seeing the popularity of anti-grain fad diets, such as low-carb, gluten-free and Paleo, associated with a further marked decline in our grain intake.

And whilst these fad diets are correct in that we should be limiting the intake of refined grain foods, encouraging a long-term absence of fibrous grain foods from our diet is, I believe, most likely to do more harm than good.

The magic of simply sharing you

October 8, 2015 By in Boost your happiness Tags: , , , , , 9 Comments

If there is one topic I have come across within the literature that has had the biggest impact on my own well-being, it is the topic of vulnerability. Having an intellectual understanding of its importance, as well as developing the courage to practice it daily in my own life, has made my life richer and changed the person that I am for the better.

What is vulnerability?

Vulnerability is the simple (yet extremely challenging!) act of being and sharing all of you. It involves stepping into the uncertainty and risk associated with sharing our true and imperfect selves with others, including our deepest feelings, doubts, fears and truths.

Understanding vulnerability and its importance starts with an understanding of what so often gets in the way of us being vulnerable more often: we want others to like us.

We all care so deeply about others liking us because this is essentially what makes us human. Connection with others and the sense of belonging it brings invites love, joy, purpose and meaning into our lives.

The really big problem with wanting everyone to like us

The problem comes when we sacrifice vulnerability and trade in who we really are to be someone we’re not, in an attempt to meet our need for connection and belonging. We can so easily fall into the trap of hiding our deepest feelings, fears, struggles and truths to be liked and fit in, presenting ourselves to others in the way we think we should be, instead of risking the possibility of being rejected for who we truly are.

Yes, I’m well aware that fitting in and hiding parts of ourselves feels like the easiest and safest thing to do. But there are two significant downsides we’re rarely told about that come with choosing this approach.

First, when we hide who we truly are and how we truly feel, we almost always experience either anxiety, depression, addiction, blame, resentment, grief, or a multiple of the above. These emotions and behaviours arise when we pretend to be someone we’re not, or do not fully open up and be vulnerable by sharing our deepest selves to those around us.

Second, when we sacrifice who we truly are in order to connect with others, what we actually sacrifice is, ironically, the opportunity to experience true connection.

The beauty of your imperfections

Being vulnerable and sharing all of you – including your deepest emotions, insecurities and imperfections – is actually at the very core of meaningful, human experiences. When we share all of ourselves with others, we create the opportunity to cultivate a sense of connectedness that is far deeper and richer than we would ever experience by substituting who we are for the hope of fitting in. And when we open up and share ourselves, we also invite and help those around us to do exactly the same, too.

Understanding and practising this has (and still is) changing my life. Before, I had spent much of my life sacrificing and hiding parts of who I truly was, using my achievements and ‘successes’ as a shield. The sad thing with this is that it was all in an attempt to build a sense of connection, yet all I was actually doing was restricting true connection from occurring.

3 steps to being vulnerable

Of course, the journey from fear and fitting in to risk, uncertainty and vulnerability is a difficult and scary one, and one that I still constantly struggle with. But after much thought and reflection, I think that it begins with these 3 steps:

  1. Learning to be completely okay and accepting of all of who you are, and reminding yourself that you are enough, exactly as the person that you are right now. You must remember also that once you see this, others will easily see it, too.
  2. Remembering to define yourself as so much more than the image someone else may have of you. And if you are judged, remember that it is only a reflection of the one doing the judging, and does not mean that you are wrong.
  3. Letting go of the unhelpful belief that you need to be loved, or well liked, by everyone in your life.

The gift of rejection

It is essential to understand that when we share our deepest feelings, fears and truths that some people may like us less, or even run away, and that this is perfectly OK. After all, just because someone rejects you for who you truly are, does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. And just because someone is not willing or able to love you as you, does not mean that you are not loveable.

And the magic of this rejection is that it opens the door to connecting with another because of, and not despite of, who you truly are. And I think that connecting with another because of who we truly are is possibly the most magical experience that there is in this life: it trumps any achievements, awards, money or fame that we will ever have, and feels so much richer than when we connect with another only because we are hiding a certain part of us.

One final thing

When you are next faced with the opportunity to either hide a part of yourself, or to be vulnerable, authentic, and share who you truly are and how you truly feel with someone that is important to you, I find that it helps to remember this:

The more of your true self that you share with another, the more of you that there now is for them to connect with and love about you.

And when we have people around us that do truly listen, empathise and love us unconditionally and without judgement when we are being all of us, it’s important to not take them for granted, and to tell them just how much gratitude we hold in our hearts for knowing and having them in our life.

For people like this are surely the greatest gift that we can ever receive, and my experience is that it hurts deeply when they are no longer around.

[Note: Hat tip to Dr Brené Brown and Jules O’Neil, whose research, work and teachings have collectively inspired this post. If you want to learn more about vulnerability and connection, I highly recommend Brown’s text Daring Greatly. It’s a brilliant, insightful and thought-provoking read.]

3 reasons why you can skip the detox diet this year

October 5, 2015 By in Quit the dieting Tags: , , , Leave a comment
  1. There is no strong scientific evidence whatsoever to suggest detox diets remove toxins from the body. You see, because detox diets rarely define the toxins they aim to remove, or the process in which they eliminate them, their claims can rarely even be tested scientifically.
  2. The concept of detox dieting itself is flawed. Our liver, lungs, kidneys, intestines and immune system already remove harmful substances that enter our body, often within hours of their consumption.
  3. Detox diets often bring with them a number of unwanted side effects: low energy levels, nutritional deficiencies, headaches, constipation, and lost money on the unnecessary laxatives or supplements sold with the diet, are just some of the many examples. 

Yes, the promise of better health, weight loss, increased energy, glowing skin and greater confidence, in as little as a few days time, sounds too good to be true, because it is.

But whilst detox diets are a marketing exercise, and not a science, perhaps the biggest concern for me is that they make us believe that we have to do something drastic for better health.

We don’t.

Making small changes today that we can actually stick with leads to better health over time.

And when we make changes that do stick, we build the confidence and motivation that allows us to continue making more of them, long into the future.

One of the easiest ways to help you overcome your troubles

October 1, 2015 By in Boost your happiness Tags: , , , 4 Comments

When really bad things happen in our life, such that there is no direct action that can or will fix the problem, there are really only 2 methods that we use to try and cope:

  1. Avoid what has happened, and look for drugs, alcohol, denial or some other form of escape to try and hide the pain, or
  2. Understand what has happened, and see it as an opportunity to grow and gain strength, wisdom and perspective from it.

There are a number of effective strategies to help us to overcome our troubles and move from avoidance to understanding, but the simple act of writing about them is highly effective around two-thirds of the time.

Here’s how:

Write continuously for 15-20 minutes, on 4 separate occasions, about:

  • what happened,
  • how you truly feel about it,
  • why you feel that way, and finally,
  • what good you might derive from it.

Don’t worry about getting it right or wrong, and don’t feel pressured to come up with a solution straight away. Just focus on writing, in private, about your deepest thoughts and emotions that arise when thinking about these things.

This very process doesn’t just tend to heal us emotionally by helping us to gain the insight, clarity and perspective needed to grow from the adversity. It also, quite remarkably, heals us physically, and results in significantly:

  • less doctor visits,
  • improved immune functioning,
  • reduced blood pressure, and
  • improved liver and lung functioning.

Our biggest adversities in this life can, ironically, end up being some of our life’s most wonderful gifts, as they offer the potential to contribute to our growth and expansion in ways that ‘good’ things rarely can.

And sometimes, all we need to see this is an hour of time, a piece of paper, and a pen.

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