Tag Archives: compassion

How to deal with difficult emotions

August 18, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Here’s an exercise I recommend, that takes just 5 to 10 minutes to complete:

Step 1. Sit or lie down, with your eyes open or closed, and focus on breathing deeply as you call to mind a difficult emotion you experienced recently.

It may be anger, greed, jealousy, fear, grief, or anything similar.

Step 2. Notice and reflect, for a couple of minutes, how you feel about this emotion.

Are you uncomfortable? Do you dislike it? Do you wish you could have prevented it from arising? Do you feel ashamed, or consider yourself wrong, for having this difficult feeling?

Step 3. Spend at least a minute observing what happens when you translate this emotion to a state of pain and suffering.

How does this state make you feel? How does your body react to it? Does it feel overwhelming? Is it something you want to avoid?

Step 4. Now, for at least 2 minutes, if not more, take that pain and suffering and observe it being held and surrounded by a sea of kindness and compassion. 

If any uncomfortable thoughts or feelings about having this emotion come up, notice them for a moment, and then return your attention back to the ever-flowing sea of kindness and compassion.

What does this feel like in your body? How does your body feel differently about this difficult emotion now?

This short exercise forms part of a scientifically proven program that can be used in combination with journaling and sharing how you are feeling with another, whenever difficult emotions arise.

Well worth understanding, too, a couple of the reasons why this exercise works:

  1. Unlike other strategies you may use (such as trying not to think about it, or avoiding the situation where the feeling comes up), it does not try to control the arrival of these difficult feelings.

We must remember that difficult feelings arise naturally, in all of us, as certain events unfold in our life. Judging them, or ourselves, is unhelpful. Avoiding them is impossible.

Indeed, I believe most difficult emotions are actually pre-requisites for experiencing more joy, growth and expansion in our lives.

  1. It teaches you that you don’t need to be overcome by, defined by, fall into, act from, or avoid any difficult emotion.

Because whilst you cannot prevent them from arising, you can commit to recognising them, having kindness and compassion for them, and letting their hold over you go.

No, you can’t always choose how you feel.

But yes, you can always question how you choose to feel about how you feel.

Relearning food and nutrition

June 13, 2016 By in Quit the dieting Tags: , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Instead of learning about the right and wrong foods to eat, let’s learn instead about the many different foods and diets each compatible with healthy living.

Instead of learning to change what we eat according to a new diet, let’s learn instead to modify what we eat according to our internal hunger.

Instead of learning to stop eating the foods we love, let’s learn instead to eat them in the amounts that provide us with long-term enjoyment and satisfaction.

Instead of learning to eat by following all of these rules and restrictions, let’s learn instead how to eat with freedom and by following our intuition.

Instead of learning that eating is a practice done primarily to lose weight, let’s learn instead that it is a practice done primarily to nourish the billions of cells that contribute to the optimal functioning of our mind and body.

Relearning food and nutrition matters.

It matters because eating within the context of diets, judgements, rules and restrictions is highly stressful. This stress is not just damaging short-term, it too has long-term impacts on our hormonal, neurological and digestive systems.

Eating in a stressful state can:

When we approach food and nutrition with a different mindset, we can help to undo these physiological effects. Research shows that eating more mindfully and with self-compassion – being aware and attentive to our eating, without judgement – promotes healthy weight management.

Indeed, our eating mindset is proposed as a better predictor of weight management than any specific combination of foods or nutrients is.

The most common question I get asked as a nutritionist is, “Is this food healthy?”

My most common answer is, “That depends, largely, on how you eat it.”

How to use your personal conflict as an opportunity for growth

January 21, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

If you’ve recently experienced anger, torment or hurt, here’s an exercise I recommend:

Think of the recent conflict that brought you these emotions.

Now, think hard about one way either:

  1. You previously behaved in a way somewhat similar to how the other person did, or
  2. Your own behaviour in the situation was not perfect (maybe you also did something slightly insensitive or hurtful, even if you meant well, or can justify exactly why you did it).

When you look for and find a fault in your own behaviour, it often hurts. But if you are brave enough to acknowledge it, you are rewarded with a sense of pleasure, pride, acceptance and growth.

Shifting our perspective of conflict from being externally caused, to (at least partially) internally caused, is a useful practice. It can help us become:

  • less biased,
  • less judgmental,
  • less argumentative,
  • less inclined to complain,
  • less likely to react with further conflict, and
  • more forgiving.

Happiness doesn’t come from insisting we are always right.

But it does require us to open minded enough to see that, very often, our initial perspective has room to improve.

The secret to having others see the world like you do

November 12, 2015 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

Is to develop the ability to truly see the world just as they do.

You see, when disagreement arises with others, we have a choice. We can choose to make it either:

  1. Us versus them, or
  2. Us with them.

And together, we get to decide which one.

When we decide it’s us versus them, we follow our current thinking, and challenge the others perspective.

We defend and debate, and ensure an outcome that can only ever be win or lose (or at the very best, a compromise, where we both win a bit and lose a bit).

But when we instead decide it’s us with them, we put our current thinking aside for now, and each try to understand the others perspective. Suddenly, we’ve opened the door for internal growth, and a different outcome to appear.

Together, we can now:

  • explore each of our different perspectives,
  • truly understand the key issues, assumptions and values that were pulling us apart, and
  • work towards the possibility of developing a shared perspective and solution. One that addresses the conflicting issues and needs that gave rise to disagreement in the first place.

When we start with listening, empathy and an appreciation for disagreement, we allow ourselves to move away from win or lose, and open the possibility for win-win.

What makes a dog a man’s best friend?

October 22, 2015 By in Boost your happiness Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

Of course, it isn’t their ability to tell us the answer to our problems, or that they can explain why our thoughts and feelings are wrong, and how they can be improved.

Rather, I think it is simply the emotional support and connection that they provide to us by always being there, willing to listen. With a face that says, “I’m here for you. I feel with you. And I care for you. Unconditionally.”

And as you may have guessed, whenever our friends and loved ones are feeling sad or down, this is the one thing that they actually want and need from us, too.

No answers or solutions. Just connection.

I forgive you

September 24, 2015 By in Boost your happiness Tags: , , , Leave a comment

When we pause to truly think about and tell the story from the other’s perspective, we develop compassion and empathy, and all of a sudden, it’s hard not to forgive.

And when we practice forgiveness, we don’t just heal another. We also start the process of healing ourselves.

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