Tag Archives: self-acceptance

Why there is nothing wrong with being fat

February 27, 2017 By in Love your body Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Little over 3 generations ago, women could not succeed in business, politics or academia.

Little over 2 generations ago, we may have finally realised there is nothing that makes women incapable, but black people were still not deserving of the vote.

Little over 1 generation ago, we may have finally realised there is nothing wrong with being black, but homosexuality was still both a mental disorder and a crime.

Today, we may have finally realised there is nothing wrong with someone’s sexuality, but there is still something wrong with being fat.

And yet…

  • In today’s obesogenic environment, the most potent predictor of fatness is actually one’s genes.
  • There is minimal scientific evidence that diet results in substantial weight loss in the long-term (greater than 2 years).
  • Being fat and being healthy are not mutually exclusive events. Your eating and physical activity habits are (far) more important predictors of your health than a number on the scales.
  • Since we live in a time that says our body is an important part of who we are, believing or promoting this idea that fatness is bad is a recipe for body shame and emotional stress – two potent risk factors for overeating, fad dieting, mental illness, suicide and chronic disease.
  • Helping fat people to practice body and self-acceptance has been proven to enhance physical and mental health more so than dieting does. And no, self-acceptance does not make people eat ‘worse’ – research demonstrates the very opposite is actually true.

The idea that who we are is equal and enough may just be the most powerful tool we have invented to improve the health and wellbeing of our society as a whole.

And this time, the wellbeing of future generations falls on us.

[Note: This post originally claimed, “There is zero scientific evidence that diet and exercise results in significant weight loss in the long-term.” This was an exaggeration of the evidence and thus has been edited accordingly.]

6 practices for anyone who has ever struggled to accept who they are

August 4, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

1. The practice of self-compassion.

I believe that you are loving and beautiful. Yet when you believe the words that you (or others) say, it can be easy to see differently.

To practice self-compassion, you must understand that a perception of you does not make it true.

A perception is only a reflection of one’s unique beliefs and experiences, and so no 2 people will ever perceive the “same” thing about you in the exact same way.

Some examples:

  • Someone says you are impulsive; another says you are spontaneous.
  • Someone says you are always too quiet; another says you are an excellent listener.
  • You say you are unattractive; another says that you are beautiful.

Self-compassion is seeing who you are in this moment with a loving perspective.

Even if it differs from what somebody else – including yourself – may have told you is true.

2. The practice of authenticity.

Your feelings and beliefs are an important part of who you are, and hiding them a recipe for grief, anxiety and self-loathing over time.

To practice authenticity, you need to accept the fear and risk that comes with exposing yourself to what others may think.

To help you to do this, consider:

  • Being inauthentic directly harms your body and mind.
  • Praise, when you are not being you, can not make you feel better about yourself.
  • You appear more charismatic, courageous and authentic to others when you share your true self.
  • You admire authenticity in others, so why wouldn’t others admire the authenticity in you?

Authenticity is having the courage to live in alignment to your true self.

Even if it means being judged by another.

3. The practice of failing forward.

We all make mistakes. And mistakes often lead to despair, feelings of failure and giving up.

Yet mistakes are not only OK, they are essential for your personal growth and development.

This practice requires you to stop saying, “I am a failure because of my mistakes”, and to start saying, “I am grateful for my mistakes, because I have learnt and grown from them”.

Failing forward is trusting your past has been exactly right for you.

Even if you think that you have failed.

4. The practice of worthiness.

We’re surrounded with images of “perfect” bodies, millionaire celebrities and people living in fancy houses or going on luxurious holidays. Constantly comparing can leave us feeling inadequate, especially if we perceive their position as unattainable.

When you next compare, it is important to remember:

  • Comparison is a game you (and every single other person!) can never win. Everyone can find someone who appears more successful, attractive or intelligent if they look.
  • The images you see never tell the whole story. For example, that person with the expensive new house may also work 12 hours a day, and sacrificed their health, relationships and happiness for it.
  • No comparison is ever valid, as that person is on a different journey with different experiences, opportunities and genetics to you.

Worthiness is affirming your self-worth can never be diminished by somebody else.

Even somebody who appears to have it much better than you do.

5. The practice of embracing all of you.

There are so many things that make you the unique person that you are.

But whenever you become fixated on just one, your self-acceptance becomes highly fragile.

Some examples:

  • A leading executive attached to this identity struggles with self-acceptance after their redundancy.
  • A model attached to this identity struggles with self-acceptance as they grow old.
  • A housewife (or househusband) attached to this identity struggles with self-acceptance when their partner leaves them.

We play many different roles in life (a son, a brother, a friend, a pet-owner, an amateur chef, a soccer player, a blog writer, …), and each of them contributes to our growth and fulfilment.

Embracing all of you is loving all of the qualities that lie within you.

Even when you feel pressured to focus on just one.

6. The practice of being the creator.

The final practice is knowing that you are responsible for the life that you are living right now.

It is understanding:

  • You are the sum of your choices, and
  • If you are unhappy with where you are today, you can go and change that by making a new choice.

Being the creator is feeling empowered that you can create your world to be an even better one.

Even though it’s easier to tell us why you can’t.

5 steps to creating a life you love (and a freebie)

May 30, 2016 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , , 9 Comments
  1. Be true to what your heart desires.
  2. Drop your stories and believe you can create any and all possibilities.
  3. Be all of you and share your vulnerabilities with others.
  4. Do not let the judgements or opinions of others influence you.
  5. Remember that you are capable and trust that you are supported in all ways.

[Hattip to Jules O’Neil, whose teachings are the source of this post.]

Plus, you can download and print my body acceptance manifesto for free, here. Since body image is something many of us struggle with, and improving it predicts healthier behaviours, confidence and motivation, I hope you take the time to read, print or share.

A Body Acceptance Manifesto

May 2, 2016 By in Love your body Tags: , , , , , , , , , 5 Comments

Body, more than anything, you must know you are both beautiful and enough. Exactly as you are, in this very moment.

The only words deserving of you come from a place of admiration and appreciation. Disgust, hate and fat have no place for you.

I wholeheartedly believe you are beautiful. Negative judgements – from others or my unconscious self – do not reflect you. I promise another perspective will not be given the power to undermine you.

I know that scales don’t define your worthiness. You are filled with an abundance of warmth, compassion and love. No number changes that.

I accept you will change, and that you will wrinkle, expand and sag. But know this will never change your beauty, nor how I feel about you.

I am aware there will always be slimmer, taller and more defined bodies than you. Yet your beauty is unique, and can never be diminished by the presence of another.

I commit to always being grateful for you, as you exist to always support and look after me. My words cannot express how much I admire you, or how thankful I am to have you.

I choose to feel pride and joy when sharing you. I will not hide you, or feel ashamed by you, when being with another. It is a privilege to give them the opportunity to admire and cherish you, exactly as I have learnt to.

Nutritious eating, regular exercise and adequate rest are not only aspirations for you. They are each daily practices. It is both my responsibility, and my privilege, to respect and nourish you.

Yet the greatest gift I can give you is my unconditional love. A love that supports you into becoming the best and healthiest version of you.

Although you may not be there yet, my admiration for you now is possible because I understand you are both a work of art, and a work in progress. Just as I am, too.

Body, I love you. All of you. Truly, deeply, unconditionally.

[Download and print the body acceptance manifesto for free, here.]

Why your dreams shouldn’t wait for tomorrow

November 19, 2015 By in Get motivated Tags: , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Because you are worthy of them today.

The most essential thing to understand is that there are no prerequisites to your worthiness.

Right now, you are worthy of love, of belonging and of having what your heart desires.

Right now, you are worthy of sharing your gifts, ideas and talents with the world, and you are worthy of being all of you, without the fear of judgement, ridicule or hurt from others.

Those feelings of doubt and fear that hold us back very rarely have anything to do with our actual capabilities, and very often have everything to do with the voice inside of our head. The very voice that looks down on us and says, “Are you sure you’re enough?”

Yes, you’re imperfect. Yes, you’ve made mistakes. Yes, you’ve got plenty of room still to grow.

But you are worthy. Not just tomorrow, but in this very moment, just the way that you are.

We’re ready when you are.

6 myths we are told every time we watch The Biggest Loser

November 16, 2015 By in Love your body Tags: , , , , , , , , 3 Comments
  1. If I am overweight, there is something wrong and shameful about my body.
  2. If I am overweight, I need to lose weight to find confidence, happiness and self-worth.
  3. Weight loss is easy. If I can’t lose weight, there is something wrong with me.
  4. Extreme dieting and overtraining, even though they increase my risk of nutritional deficiencies and injury, are necessary practices because they result in weight loss.
  5. Weight loss is the most important outcome of exercise and eating.
  6. I am defined by the number I see on the scales.

Each of these assumptions are incorrect, ineffective and dangerous.

They do not just undermine why, and how, we should be striving to eat better and exercise more.

They also, very worryingly, reinforce the idea that changing who we are is a requirement for us to be self-accepting, confident and happy.

If you really think about it, why should this ever be true?

We now know that:

The Biggest Loser is now well over a decade behind the scientific world, which suggests that a better and healthier way to manage your weight in the long-term is, ironically, to stop making it all about your weight.

The desire to be the biggest loser undermines our ability to feel like, and be, a winner.

The problem with the pursuit of higher self-esteem

October 29, 2015 By in Change your thinking Tags: , , , , , , 5 Comments

Higher self-esteem can only come when we judge our self-worth.

So when we decide to pursue higher self-esteem, we actually decide to follow a worldview that says, “Our self-worth can be changed and influenced by something external to us. Things like achievements and successes can determine our worthiness”.

The problem with this worldview is that it’s easy to live a life where we:

  1. Feel we are not good enough (low self-esteem), or
  2. Carry fear, anxiety or worry, because a future rejection or failure may mean we are no longer good enough (high self-esteem).

The alternative to self-esteem is unconditional self-acceptance.

With unconditional self-acceptance, we understand self-worth does not come with any terms and conditions. Instead, we see that we are already enough, and accept ourselves for all of who we are.

Finding unconditional self-acceptance

We move away from the pursuit of higher self-esteem and towards unconditional self-acceptance when we truly believe:

  • My self-worth can never be rated using external criteria. Doing so is illogical: I am already enough.
  • There is no rational reason for me to feel bad about or change the core of who I am. Any “imperfections” I have actually help to make me more unique, special and truly beautiful.
  • My actions, achievements and failures can be rated and improved when they help me to live a more fulfilling life. They can not be used to define me or my worthiness.
  • Mistakes are normal. Indeed, they are essential for my journey, growth and development.
  • I am so much more than the thoughts, opinions and judgements of others. Opinions and judgements can not define me, as they are only a reflection of the person who is doing the judging.

Change your beliefs, change your world

Make no mistake. The journey towards unconditional self-acceptance is a difficult one.

For most of us, it requires a change to the core beliefs that we hold about ourselves. Beliefs that are very different to what much of society tells us is true. And indeed, I still struggle with it, almost every day.

But it is so important.

The benefits of self-acceptance

Unconditional self-acceptance is often the pathway for:

  • Letting go of comparison, and being mindful and grateful for what you have right now.
  • Overcoming the anxiety that comes from hiding who you truly are, and finding the courage to be your authentic self.
  • Rising above the fear of failure, and finding confidence and belief within yourself to pursue what you really want in this life.
  • Seeing that rejection does not ever mean you are unworthy, inadequate or unlovable, and helping you to find hope and resilience during difficult times.
  • Being vulnerable and open with others, and inviting the opportunity for you to cultivate a deeper sense of connection.
  • Letting go of judgement, and allowing the creativity, skills and talents that lie within you to be seen and blossom.

Self-acceptance: the gift that keeps on giving

The last (but for me, most important) outcome of unconditional self-acceptance is that it helps us to become more accepting of others, too:

  • When we see ourselves as enough, we get better at seeing others as enough.
  • When we do not judge ourselves, we get better at not judging others.
  • When we no longer feel bad or insecure about who we are, we lose the need to make others feel bad or insecure about who they are.

When we become accepting of those around us, we give them the most amazing gift: we help them to see that they are enough, and should be so proud and accepting for all of who they are, too. And with greater self-acceptance, they can also help to spread this gift.

The very first step to making the world a more accepting place is to be the change that you want to see in the world: become more accepting of you.

After all, you are enough. Exactly the way that you are.

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